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Pregnancy Boy or Girl

Am I having a boy or a girl?

A bouncy, laughing baby with soft hair and sparkling eyes; a calm, tranquil child with a dark and intense stare; a sweet, easy going infant with little cries and a loving spirit- these things are what most parents see in their child and to them it doesn't really matter if it's a boy or girl, only that it's theirs to love. It's a wonderful feeling to have your child stare up at you with such innocence and desire that all you can do is fall in love. In that moment it doesn't matter if you wanted a son or a daughter. All that matters is the tiny little person you're holding in your arms.

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Most people find out the sex of the baby before the birth so they can be prepared with appropriate clothing, to share the news with family or simply because they need to know. We found out with our first born but with our second we've opted for a surprise and will not find out until the Doctor shouts it in the delivery room. During the first pregnancy I was 100% positive that it was a girl until the ultrasound tech told me at 5 months that it was indeed a little penis wielding boy. I think this second one is a boy and my mother is dead set that it's a girl. I've learned to trust my mother in most cases but in this situation her judgment is altered; she wants another granddaughter more than anything.

I asked my mother one day: "Is there an easier gender, boy or girl?" She immediately responded: "Yes! Boys are much easier! You have to worry more about the girls!" I am her only daughter, and she has told me several times she is very grateful for that.

I am petrified of having a daughter, so maybe that's why I think this baby is a boy. You see, I know having a daughter would be spectacular since I could show her how a woman should act, dress her cute as a baby, show her how to use make-up, let my father in law swoon over his only granddaughter and watch her be daddy's little princess; all of that would be wonderful. But here's the downside for me: I know what I was like as a girl. I know what I was like as a teenager and as a young independent woman who didn't call mom for a week and received frantic messages disguised as, "Hey it's your mom, just calling to say I love you." Mom was never just calling to say I love you. She was always calling to make sure I was still alive, that I hadn't been assaulted or I still had a roof over my head. There was always an ulterior motive and I'm not looking forward to worrying about my fragile baby girl in any circumstance. I worry about my son enough as it is. At least with two boys I would know what was coming. With a daughter, I have no clue what kind of mother I would be. We still have to worry about boys of course. They stick butter knives into sockets, they shoot bow and arrows past each others heads just to see what it sounds like as the very sharp arrow whizzes by (my husband and his friend did this as 11 year olds), they try to fly off of everything from their beds to the rooftops to the tree branches that could possibly impale them and it's very possible that someday they could impregnate a female at a very young age because of lack or desire of self-control.

So, is there an easier or preferable gender? Maybe it doesn't matter what gender of baby we wanted. I know that once we see the little baby in our arms or hear its first little cry, something changes inside of us. We become a protector, a nurturer, a believer in something greater than ourselves even if we had never believed in anything before. We believe in the miracle of that child's life. We see only one thing and it's not if our wish was granted or if the ultrasound tech was right. In those first few moments, and truly from then on, the only thing we see is the Love. And I know this too: if I do have a daughter, no matter how nervous I will be, I will love her just as fiercely as I love my son and I will do everything I can to be the best mother I can be for her, because when I look into her eyes for the first time, that feeling will wash away my fears and all I'll see is the love.

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